Ryan?
Buddy, come on.
Look, I know you're bummed that Lindsay left, but you can't live like this.
Hey.
Do you remember when Summer was leaving for Italy with Zach...
...you refused to let me stay bedridden and depressed?
No, I didn't. I gave you your space, said do what you have to do.
True, but right now what I have to do is help you.
So, what can I do? Level with me. Ask, and it shall be yours.
Fine. You, leaving right now.
Okay, anything but that.
Hey, what about Captain Oats?
Seen the way you look at him. Say the word and your pool house is his manger.
- Seth- - Speaking of which, are you getting...
...sick of the pool house?
We can switch rooms. You can have mine.
We thought you'd like the privacy.
I like the privacy. I would like some right now.
What about a nice private booth at our favorite diner, huh?
Cup of coffee, short stack, a little syrup, side of bacon...
- Seth... - ... extra crispy like the man likes it.
- Maybe those nice little sausage patties. - Seth, shut up!
Please.
This thing with Lindsay is...
...different.
- Different how? - Different, as in not fixed by pancakes.
And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.
Got it.
- I don't mean to take this out on you. - No, it's fine. That's what I'm here for.
I've just had a lot of people in my life who just left.
I thought those days were gone, but I...
...guess they aren't.
Okay.
All right, well, I'm just gonna leave.
Not leave, but you know what I'm saying.
I can get you something to go. It's stupid. Okay.
- Hey, honey. - Hey.
Oh, right, coffee.
Thanks.
- Oh, hey, I thought you were- - No, no, no. It's my fault. Let me-
Everything's gonna be fine.
If we act like nothing happened, then it'll be as if-
Nothing happened.
Where's your ring?
Two carats, platinum setting, lives on your left hand, second finger.
I can't find it.
- You never take that ring off. - That's not true.
Sometimes when I'm washing the dishes or gardening I leave it by the sink.
I bet it fell in. I bet it's stuck in the drain.
I'll call the plumber tomorrow.
I'm sure it's not lost.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Wait a sec. - But I've been waiting.
I know. I'm afraid we have a man down though.
This thing with Lindsay has just really kicked Ryan's ass.
It's a good thing we're like the Marines.
- How are we like the Marines? - We leave no man behind.
Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't.
You have got to cheer him up. Semper fi.
- "Semper fi. " That's so cute. - Yeah.
Wait. That has to wait. Plans and action.
I'm gonna ask Marissa to the mall. Maybe you guys can come.
- The mall? That would cheer him up. - Well...
All right, fine, I will ask him to the mall. You know what?
Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture...
...maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.
Are you crazy? They were, like, the worst couple ever.
And besides, Marissa's happy now.
Okay, and by "happy" you mean- You mean "gay. "
That's funny.
Our clothes are all pink.
Pink is the new black.
I read it in W.
Well, I mean, separating your whites? Who knew?
Everyone who's ever had to do their own laundry.
Look, I'm sorry. We'll get new stuff.
With what? You found an after-school job?
I'm working on it.
Well, lucky for you, I look really good in pink.
Maybe today we could do something fun. It's the weekend.
Maybe we could go to the beach. Or the pier.
That sounds great. And I would love to, but I have to work.
Maybe tonight I can pick up some takeout, and we can go sit by the water?
- Okay, sounds good. - Okay, good.
If a big fat guy with an "I heart NASCAR" tattoo shows up...
...don't answer the door, because he's our landlord, and we're late on rent.
Bye.
Sanford.
Glad to see you've finally found your calling.
- Where's Kiki? - Kirsten's at the office with your wife.
They're working on the magazine.
I must tell you I'm really disturbed by Lindsay's departure.
Must you tell me? Isn't there anyone else you can tell?
I lost my daughter.
I'm sorry, Cal.
If you wanna talk, I'll listen.
Hate to admit it, but I really screwed up.
Hand me the pliers.
Why can't I edit my own magazine?
You've never edited a magazine.
Yeah, but why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly American.
I've heard of that.
It's an independent travel magazine. It won a bunch of awards.
Fine, but our magazine is about beautiful Americans.
She works here.
She's like the big boss.
Julie, promise me that you will make the best of it.
Julie Cooper. Or is it Nichol now?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Cooper-Nichol is behind closed doors.
Well, tell her Lance stopped by looking for her.
She knows me.
A little blast from the past.
Julie?
- Did you hear a word that I just said? - Yeah, of course.
Yeah. I couldn't have said it better myself.
That girl really got to me.
I worry about her all the time.
How she is, what she's doing.
I was watching a peanut butter commercial on television.
I was blubbering like a baby.
Well, there's nothing like a good cry to release the tension.
- Is the wrench over there? - What are you doing, anyway?
I'm looking for Kirsten's wedding ring.
Oh, Father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
- Exactly what I said. - Nothing like a crack about a plumber.
Plumber, crack. That's funny.
Ryan buddy?
You in the latrine, soldier?
Hey, Summer. I thought you were this guy with an "I heart NASCAR" tattoo.
Okay, not asking why.
What is that earthy, musky smell? Potpourri?
No, that's skunked beer.
Hey, it must be awesome to get away from your mom, huh?
Be out of Caleb's mansion?
Totally.
I don't miss it at all.
So I'm sure that you have, like, these really cool, edgy plans with Alex today.
But I have to go to the mall for the clothing drive.
- Battered women's shelter. - The mall? Sounds great.
Let me just grab my purse.
Bus 5675, Fort Irwin, now boarding.
I hope you brought a lot of snacks.
It's a long ride to Chicago.
- I forgot you were an expert. - Oh, dude, running away?
- That's very Seth Cohen. - No, I'm not...
I mean, I am, but I'm coming back.
I just thought I'd show up for the weekend, you know, surprise her.
Yeah.
I don't know, man. I think Lindsay's had enough surprises.
You should really try and give it some time.
How?
How am I supposed to do that?
Well, for starters, you can keep yourself distracted.
Marissa and Summer are heading to the mall to pick up some clothes for charity.
Think about what's at the mall. There's a movie theater. There's an arcade.
There's a CPK...
...featuring exotic toppings from around the world on a seasoned, herbed crust.
And I'll tell you this much. If by tomorrow morning...
...you still wanna go to Chicago, I promise you...
...I will drive you to the bus stop myself...
...and I will generate a fantastic cover story for the parents.
Yeah.
- Yeah. - Good.
It's settled.
Bus 5675 to Fort Irwin, now boarding.
I'm saving Private Ryan.
- Home, sweet home. - Sweet, sweet shopping.
Twenty-four hours, buddy. You' re gonna feel like a new man.
- How's our trooper? - Oh, our work's not done yet.
Hey. The Tower of Pisa, that's in Italy, right?
Ryan and Marissa alone? It's awkward. Let's go.
So the stuff for the battered women's shelter...
...is in those boxes and on this rack.
- Thanks. - As if those poor women's...
...lives weren't hard enough.
Someone should get a restraining order against that coat.
Oh, we close early today, so don't take too long.
Okay. Looks like somebody missed the sensitivity training seminar.
You guys, this is gonna be so much fun, though.
It's like we have a backstage pass to the mall.
"Backstage pass to the mall. " Summer, come here. That's so cute.
I'll take pants. You take sweaters.
- Sounds perfect. - Great.
You think we should put your photo on the cover every month?
Maybe sometimes we could show Newport. A house, the beach.
What's the incentive to buy the magazine? If people wanna see...
...the beach, they can go there.
That would just be wrong.
- Hi, Carter. I'm Kirsten. - Hi.
- This is Julie. - A pleasure to meet you both.
Julie Cooper-Nichol, CEO of the Newport Group and founder of Newport Living.
What Julie meant to say was that she is also pleased to meet you.
Look, I don't know you, and I'm not going to lie to you.
- This magazine is about us. - It's really more about her.
And people who aspire to be like us.
We don't need some outsider coming in, telling us what to do. No offense.
None taken. I don't wanna be here any more than you want me here.
- You don't? - Why, what's wrong with here?
I don't think the world needs more proclamations about...
- ... how Mukluks are the new Uggs. - Our bar's not that low.
He's right about Mukluks.
Look, this can be painless.
I know that you resent the publisher foisting me on your magazine.
I resent being foisted.
May this be the first of many things we have in common.
We'll sit down a couple of times a week, you do what you want...
...and I'll go with my paycheck.
Now...
...who wants a cocktail?
- Sorry about the ring, Sanford. - Starr?
Come, come. Never picked you for a rum man.
Thank you.
Thank you for your help...
...as much as I resisted it.
Your support has been alarmingly genuine.
Well, what you're doing is a nice thing for Kiki.
Guess I figured making one daughter happy...
...might take the edge off hurting the other one.
- Oh, I don't know if that's possible. - How would you know...
...Mr. Self-Righteous-I-Never- Hurt-People-I-Only-Help-Them?
I hurt Kirsten.
What did you do?
An old relationship came back into my life.
- You had an affair. - No.
But this woman, Rebecca, was very important to me once...
...and having her around took a real toll on me and my marriage.
So...
...I'm trying to make it up to Kirsten.
Hence my foray into plumbing.
That ring means a lot to her.
Well, it took me a long time to save up enough money to buy it.
If memory serves, you proposed using a prize from a Cracker Jack box.
It wasn't from a Cracker Jack box.
I won that ring from the Cliff House Arcade in San Francisco.
And my beautiful daughter walked around for years...
...with a hunk of plastic on her finger.
Marissa?
Hey, it's Marissa. Leave a message.
Hey.
House isn't broken into, so I'm assuming you haven't been abducted, but...
I guess I'm gonna jump in the shower. Call me.
Stop. Wait, it's acrylic. I'm gonna break out.
"Break out. " You're so cute.
- Hey. - Hey.
So how are you?
With Lindsay and everything?
Honestly, I'm not so good. How about you?
- Thrilled to get out of the house. - Yeah? You back to your mom's?
No, Alex's.
I mean, our place, I guess.
- Guys, I think we're stuck in here. - That clueless sales skank.
- She probably did it on purpose. - Well, let's just call someone.
- Help! - On the phone.
Yeah, except there is no phone.
I have-
There's no cell service. Wait, I have an idea.
Oh, good idea. Here you go, buddy. Go to town.
Now, why would you assume I know how to pick a lock?
I didn't. I just thought you'd wanna give it a try.
Sort of my specialty.
Come on.
- You getting it? - Talk to me, baby. Talk to me.
- It's going? - Oh, yeah.
I'm hearing something, all right. Okay, good news, guys. I almost got it.
But then what happened was I broke it.
God. This is like the episode of The Valley...
...where Jake goes to the bank, and him and April get locked in the vault.
- How'd they get out? - They had to wait till the morning.
- That's how April got pregnant. - Sweetie.
There's gotta be a way out of here.
- You guys. - What's up?
What about over there?
Hey, Ryan, what did I tell you? Isn't this great?
It's like Goonies meets Die Hard, by way of Mission: Impossible...
...with, I think...
...a hint of National Treasure thrown in.
Hey, about before, when I told you to shut up?
Yeah, I know, I'm doing it again.
No, no.
Thanks, man, for getting me out here.
In here.
- Yeah, not giving up. - Yeah.
Oh, Ryan, I think I found a quicker way out.
Unfortunately, it involves broken bones and broken glass.
Well, I think this is the last of it.
Yes.
So you and Seth seem happy.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, I just- I really want it to be different this time.
For better or for worse. I really feel connected to him.
I mean, do you feel that way with Alex?
Well, truthfully, I think the only person I've ever really felt that way with is...
Yeah.
I mean, is it weird being here with him and me and Cohen?
No, it's fine.
Good.
Because I know you're into chicks now and everything.
But do you ever think about getting back together with him?
I mean, Lindsay's gone now, and-
Yeah, Lindsay's gone, and he's heartbroken.
Do you miss him?
Every day.
- Hey. - Hey, guys. Where's...?
Hey, Ryan.
So why is no one else here?
The store's closed.
- Let's find an exit and get out of here. - Good idea.
Wait, wait, we're not going anywhere.
Yeah, because we're trapped. So let's-
Yes, trapped in a department store, which is my ultimate fantasy.
- Okay, and what if we get caught? - We'll be stealth.
Come on, what could be cooler? Go to sleep in a mall and wake up in a mall?
Come on, it's like being awake but still dreaming.
The mall doesn't open until 10 a. m. We'll be out before.
We could get McMuffins.
Yeah, I suppose we could all use a night to forget our troubles.
By "all," I mean "Ryan. "
- That's true. - So it's settled then.
Okay.
What happens in the mall stays in the mall.
Cool.
Sorry to wake you at 8:00 at night.
Can you tell my dad I'm sleeping at Marissa's?
Sorry I missed your call. I just brought some laundry over to my mom's place.
I was thinking I might just spend the night.
Yeah, so anyway, call my cell.
Dad, Ryan and I are trapped in the mall, and we're gonna spend the night here.
I know the credit card is just for emergencies...
...but I may have to shell out for a few supplies.
A little something I like to call the truth.
So, what do we do now?
I have an idea.
- You're gonna kill us with a chain saw? - No.
High score gets the bed in the showroom. Low score takes the tent.
We're playing sports?
- All right. - Come on.
- Get that over there. - Hey, Summer, stop it.
- Go, go! - Seth, quit cheating.
What? Hey, that's not fair. Come on! Offsides!
What? That wasn't offsides.
- Summer. Block him. - Yes!
Yeah!
Seth.
Come on, come on, get up. Get up. Up, up, up.
Don't be a baby.
Get it, girl! Get it! Get it!
No, let me get that.
Oh, my God.
Hey, it's the new body shimmer. Shimmery.
You guys, enough with the sports. Let's eat.
- I think I'll go to the bar. - Great.
I'll have a Pinot Grigio.
No, thank you.
- What the hell are you doing here? - That's no way to greet your first love.
- You weren't my first love, just my first. - A girl never forgets.
Maybe she had so much Southern Comfort she never remembered.
Maybe we should try a reenactment.
I know you, so cut to the chase.
You wouldn't be here if you didn't want something.
- I have something for you. - Yeah?
Last time you gave me something, I drank cranberry juice for a week.
- What did I ever do to you? - Oh, I've been watching you rise, baby.
Married to the richest man in town, living in the biggest house.
- You want money. - Take a look.
Tell me how much it's worth to you.
- I have two daughters now. - I know.
And aren't they worth protecting?
Guys, I'm- I'm suddenly not feeling so well.
- Food poisoning or something. - We haven't eaten.
Cohen!
I was foraging. Here.
What is it? Chicken-flavored soy malt.
- It's kosher. - It's only 3600 calories.
- Hey, Summer? - What?
Could you maybe go grab another papier-mâché log for the faux fire?
That way we can make fake s'mores.
Yeah, sure.
I want to. Dude, don't do it. Don't do it.
Oh, okay, let's do it.
Hey, I can't-
Cohen? What are you doing?
Hey, I got a pizza for...
You. Didn't we have sex?
No, I'm a virgin. At least, I think I am.
Why don't you stay for a slice. Are you hungry?
Starving.
- You really don't remember me? - No.
I have amnesia. I don't remember anything.
- Oh, my God. - Remember that?
It's cool. A little porn on a Saturday night.
- My lips are sealed. - What are you doing here?
Looking for Marissa. She left a message she was here.
Well, she's not.
I guess I'm not the only one she lies to, huh?
I know my daughter.
I only let her go with you because I knew...
...it was a matter of time before she came back.
As much as Marissa likes to complain, she had a very nice life, thanks to me.
One she'll miss once the novelty wears off...
...which, I'm guessing, is about now.
Marissa-
Marissa's not happy.
Marissa and happy parted ways about her 16th birthday...
...but have you met her new friends, "sullen" and "vindictive"?
No, the only ones she's brought over to the house...
...are "scared" and "overwhelmed. "
Alex- And...
...I'm not saying this to be mean, because you actually seem...
...like a nice enough girl and I like your pants...
...but you are this week's yard guy...
...Marissa's latest drama, a weapon of torture to inflict against me.
- You don't know that. - Yeah, honey, I do.
Marissa's only been in love once...
...and he looked a whole lot different in a wife-beater.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What'd you find? - Gift basket.
Crackers, Brie, raspberry preserves.
Nice.
Oh, candy counter.
Macaroons. Licorice bits.
- Why are you mad? - Why were you in my purse?
- Why were you getting cards from Zach? - When I talked to him...
...I told him to send me a postcard.
- You talked to him? - Yes.
Am I gonna ditch him at the airport then not take his calls?
Look, Cohen, he's my friend. He's your friend too.
Yeah, and friends let friends read postcards.
- So why can't I see it? - Can't you trust me...
- ... that it doesn't say anything? - I know it says something hot.
I saw what he wrote. "Do you remember how hot it was? "
- The rest was covered by a stamp. - Hey, we brought macaroons.
Spray cheese.
Who's hungry?
That big yellow one there.
Relax.
Relax, you're talking to a master here.
It's all in the wrist.
Blast, another key chain.
I really wanted to win this for Kirsten, to prove to her...
- Prove to her what? - That she's the love of my life.
That I cherish her above all.
You don't need a crappy piece of plastic to do that. Just tell her.
You really want that ring, don't you?
More than anything.
- I'll get more quarters. - More quarters.
We're really roughing it, huh?
Yeah.
All alone in the wilderness.
We should find Seth and Summer, watch a movie.
We do have, like, 500 TV screens all to ourselves.
Yeah, that sounds good, but-
Right, probably want their privacy.
Well, what happens at the mall stays at the mall.
- I should... - Yeah.
Hey.
Oh, yeah, I didn't end up going to my mom's.
Well, I ran into Summer.
I think I'm just gonna hang at her place.
I'll see you in the morning?
Okay, bye.
- Alex? - Yeah.
It's not that she's the jealous type.
Right, I mean, why would she be jealous?
Exactly. She'd just be bummed to be missing-
All this.
- Tired? - Exhausted.
Go for it. I'll camp here, keep an eye out for bears and mall cops.
- No, you take it. - You're not really the roughing-it type.
It's big enough for two. It says it sleeps four.
- I'm not mad at you anymore. - Well, I'm mad at you.
Fine. Then I am mad at you.
I don't get it. Why can't you tell me what happened that was so hot?
What? Don't- Don't shush me. Listen.
Company.
What?
- And that means "due south. " Just go. - Get-
I can't believe Seth and Summer are back together.
- Now we don't have to hear about it. - Yeah, I'm sure we'll still hear about it.
They're probably fighting right now.
Remember last year when she went to his house for Thanksgiving?
- Yeah, and Anna was over there. - She was so pissed.
Yeah, I wish we could've been there to see it.
Yeah. Too bad we were busy driving stolen cars around Chino.
Well...
Yeah, that's my brother Trey.
Though we were almost killed it was-
Kind of fun.
Yeah.
We need to go right now.
You're gonna spend the next six months devoted to Julie Cooper's vanity project?
What happened to The Ugly American? That was the hottest travel magazine.
Yeah, well, it's a long story.
Actually, it's a short story about a long bender.
I was in the middle of a divorce at the time.
I'm sorry.
Why is it whenever I say I'm divorced, people act like somebody's just died?
You ever been married?
- I am married. - You're not wearing a ring.
I lost it.
I mean, I took it off, and I can't find it.
That's a strong statement, taking off your wedding ring.
I was potting geraniums.
The night I realized my wife didn't love me anymore...
...I found her ring by the kitchen sink.
She said she'd been scrubbing a casserole dish.
Those casseroles can be a bitch.
So could my ex.
I don't think we've said two words about the magazine since Julie...
...Cooper-Nichol left the building.
I don't think we've accomplished our goals for the day.
Well, I thought your goal was getting paid for doing nothing.
Let's just say I'm finding Newport Living a lot more interesting...
...than I thought it would be.
- She is so into you. - You think?
I know. April told me herself.
We got them.
It's called playing you hot and cold, and it's totally working.
April is a genius.
If they gave you points for pulling guys, she'd win, like, every year.
That was awesome.
Dude, it's Cole Trickle time, Atwood. Floor it, man.
Hey, anyone hungry?
I'm sure Summer would like Italian.
Oh, God, give it up, Cohen.
I will stop with the teasing when you confess.
Okay, then I'll stop punching you when you shut up.
- I'm thinking cheeseburgers. - And chili fries? Perfect.
Come on.
Hello.
Enjoy the show?
I'll write you a check for $50,000 right now.
Fifty G's? You spend that much to keep your pool clean.
I was thinking more like 500,000.
Are you crazy?
I could make more than that selling that tape on the Internet.
- I can't get that money. - I think you can.
Without my husband knowing? What am I to tell him?
The truth. Your mom was sick, your sister pregnant, and your tips...
...from waitressing weren't gonna pay rent that month.
Or...
...make something up.
- Well, why can't I? - Because it's not a big deal.
- Well, if it's not a big deal- - Enough.
- What does it matter, Cohen? - It matters to me.
- We'll be inside. - You guys coming?
We need to stay here so I don't strangle him in public.
We'll save room in the booth.
How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functional couple?
Oh, my God.
Okay, we cannot be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa.
- We're monsters. - I like monsters. But not us.
Do we not work as a couple anymore?
- Are we all setup and no payoff? - All Preparation, no H?
Okay, pinkie swear.
If I tell you what's on the postcard, we stop bickering.
About the postcard.
Okay, pinkie swear.
Okay. Look...
...here, right under the stamp.
What's so hot?
It's the weather.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, right there. - Yeah.
Yeah, and if you look down here...
...the sign-off, well...
...no "I love you," not even an "I miss you," but-
- "Say hi to Seth. " It's from Zach. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Come here.
Well, I definitely think we work as a couple.
Sorry, I didn't think I was gonna be so late.
I didn't find your ring.
You were looking for my ring?
Me and your father. We made a day of it.
He was upset about Lindsay, and I was upset about...
I was just upset.
Well, we'll find our groove.
And my ring.
In the meantime...
...we're gonna have to do the dishes in the bathroom sink because I...
I lost the bolt. You know, that keeps the pipe and the thing together.
But just know this.
I love you.
And I'm so sorry I did anything to make you doubt it.
You know, it's funny. Or not funny, really...
...but we've been apart longer than we were together.
It has been a while.
Yeah, a lot's happened.
I guess you could say we're kind of like strangers.
Yeah?
So who are you?
Whoever you want me to be.
Look at that, my little Summer.
Seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.